Intrinsic Value

During my pregnancy with Zachary, God showed me something. Something I, as a woman, desperately needed to know. Not just a fact to file away, but a truth to saturate my heart in. This truth was regarding my value as a person. Where do I get my value? Does it come from what I do or say? I have done many good deeds and have said many kind words in my 31 years, but far more than the good deeds and words are the bad deeds and bad words. If my value were measured by what I've done, then my value is small, maybe even worthless.

There was a day, couldn't name the date, but it was in the fall of my pregnancy, that God brought me to my knees in helplessness. I admitted and embraced that I couldn't do the tasks I had been given. In the midst of being tired and nauseated from the pregnancy, knowing that I must carry this child that I couldn't keep, I cried out that I couldn't do it. I couldn't be this godly wife and mother to the wonderful family I'd been given.

For some time I had been trying really hard to BE all that God intended me to be but was failing miserably in most areas. God endured, and patiently waited for me to come to the end of myself to show me that it is not I, but HE who makes me who I am. He waited for me to come and ask Him 'who am I that you have created?' Then the pressure, rather, the burden I'd been feeling TO DO and TO BE was lifted. I am TO BE who He created me to be, nothing more. And what He has intended for me, He will enable me to do because He created me.

My worth as a woman, as a mother and as a wife are not dependent on what I do or don't do, or even what I believe about myself. Outside of what I think, God says: 'before I formed you, I knew you'. God said 'you are worth dying for' by sending Jesus into the world to pay the price for sin, my sin. My worth, my intrinsic value is given to me by God and He validates it with His Word - Jesus.

I'm sure this concept is simple for most, but for me it was profound and life changing. I stopped looking to my husband, my children, friends, acquaintances, family and the general public to validate my worth. And that's a good thing, because they often can't be what I need, even if they desire to, which would leave me feeling discouraged. Instead, I rested in the truth that my worth is unchanging in God's eyes.

God had a purpose in revealing this truth to my heart. Near the end of my pregnancy with Zachary, I came across a promise in Isaiah 43:

'He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Israel: '
Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
...
Be not afraid"

In my mind I would wonder 'can I do this? In my heart of hearts, can I say good-bye to my infant son and say also that God is good?' I was afraid to find out if my faith was real - the kind that remains despite the fire of trial. But this promise God gives in Isaiah came alive to my heart and broadened my understanding of who I am in Christ; it is the Lord - the Holy One who has saved me. I belong to Him. He will not allow me to be overcome by this trial. And God was faithful. I was not overcome, no, far from that I was strengthened beyond what I could imagine. Even greater, I was not afraid. He had shown His great love for me over the past 10 months, and now I am more sure than ever of my value to the Almighty.

Many times 2 Corinthians 4:7-9 has run through my mind as I think on the heartache of losing Zachary:

'But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.'

My pregnancy with Zachary was, in a sense, a treasure in a jar of clay. Who, besides God, could show His sovereign power in my weakened pregnant state, carrying a baby whose body was failing a little more every day?