Intrinsic Value

During my pregnancy with Zachary, God showed me something. Something I, as a woman, desperately needed to know. Not just a fact to file away, but a truth to saturate my heart in. This truth was regarding my value as a person. Where do I get my value? Does it come from what I do or say? I have done many good deeds and have said many kind words in my 31 years, but far more than the good deeds and words are the bad deeds and bad words. If my value were measured by what I've done, then my value is small, maybe even worthless.

There was a day, couldn't name the date, but it was in the fall of my pregnancy, that God brought me to my knees in helplessness. I admitted and embraced that I couldn't do the tasks I had been given. In the midst of being tired and nauseated from the pregnancy, knowing that I must carry this child that I couldn't keep, I cried out that I couldn't do it. I couldn't be this godly wife and mother to the wonderful family I'd been given.

For some time I had been trying really hard to BE all that God intended me to be but was failing miserably in most areas. God endured, and patiently waited for me to come to the end of myself to show me that it is not I, but HE who makes me who I am. He waited for me to come and ask Him 'who am I that you have created?' Then the pressure, rather, the burden I'd been feeling TO DO and TO BE was lifted. I am TO BE who He created me to be, nothing more. And what He has intended for me, He will enable me to do because He created me.

My worth as a woman, as a mother and as a wife are not dependent on what I do or don't do, or even what I believe about myself. Outside of what I think, God says: 'before I formed you, I knew you'. God said 'you are worth dying for' by sending Jesus into the world to pay the price for sin, my sin. My worth, my intrinsic value is given to me by God and He validates it with His Word - Jesus.

I'm sure this concept is simple for most, but for me it was profound and life changing. I stopped looking to my husband, my children, friends, acquaintances, family and the general public to validate my worth. And that's a good thing, because they often can't be what I need, even if they desire to, which would leave me feeling discouraged. Instead, I rested in the truth that my worth is unchanging in God's eyes.

God had a purpose in revealing this truth to my heart. Near the end of my pregnancy with Zachary, I came across a promise in Isaiah 43:

'He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Israel: '
Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
...
Be not afraid"

In my mind I would wonder 'can I do this? In my heart of hearts, can I say good-bye to my infant son and say also that God is good?' I was afraid to find out if my faith was real - the kind that remains despite the fire of trial. But this promise God gives in Isaiah came alive to my heart and broadened my understanding of who I am in Christ; it is the Lord - the Holy One who has saved me. I belong to Him. He will not allow me to be overcome by this trial. And God was faithful. I was not overcome, no, far from that I was strengthened beyond what I could imagine. Even greater, I was not afraid. He had shown His great love for me over the past 10 months, and now I am more sure than ever of my value to the Almighty.

Many times 2 Corinthians 4:7-9 has run through my mind as I think on the heartache of losing Zachary:

'But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.'

My pregnancy with Zachary was, in a sense, a treasure in a jar of clay. Who, besides God, could show His sovereign power in my weakened pregnant state, carrying a baby whose body was failing a little more every day?

Big Blessings ...

After we received the diagnosis and started investigating the experiences of others, we were somewhat frustrated at our inability to find a perinatal specialist who understood our decision to continue the pregnancy. About halfway through the pregnancy, a friend of ours saw a profile on a local news channel about the fetal concerns program at The Children’s Hospital. It was hard for Erin to make that call, but we are so thankful for the help we received. It was a tremendous encouragement for us to find experts in this field of medicine that valued Zachary’s life as much as we do. Of course, the medical advice and experience they provided was also invaluable.

I first met Bill Meyer at a picnic for family’s at our church that have adopted or were in the process of adopting when we saw him taking pictures there. I remember Erin looking through the pictures from that picnic and talking about what great pictures he had taken. Erin already knew his wife, Dawn, from working the Sunday School check-in desk on Sunday mornings, and after we found out about Zachary’s condition, Dawn told her about The Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Foundation, which Bill volunteers with to provide families in situations like ours with a professional portrait session to capture memories and share their lives.

Bill was able to come to the hospital shortly after Zachary was born and spend over an hour capturing pictures of him and our family. He also spent the next few days working on the slideshow tribute for Zachary’s memorial. We watch it every day. I have told Bill more than once that I will never be able to pay him back for the gift he has given to us (and I know he expects no such thing), but I pray for God’s blessing on him and his family. You can find out more about Bill and his photography work here: http://www.williamjmeyer.com

In the late summer of 1995, at the start of my sophomore year at the University of Colorado, I made a visit to Calvary Bible Church to check it out. It is easy for me to see now that the care and support, both spiritually and physically, we received throughout Erin’s pregnancy and in preparation for Zachary’s life was thirteen years in the making. In the days following Zachary’s death and in preparation for his memorial, Calvary provided so much help. Erin and I wondered many times that week at how people going through an experience like this do it without the love, support and help we were provided.

Over a breakfast with another father who had to bury his son, I learned about the generous service that Crist Mortuary and Mountain View Cemetery provide to parents who lose a baby in Boulder. Zachary’s body is buried in the portion of Mountain View’s cemetery known as “Baby Land.” The cemetery, which is just across the street from Calvary Bible Church, was extremely generous in donating the plot and all of the labor that goes with a burial. It was and is a sweet blessing.

20 Weeks…

Back in October of 2007, Erin was working feverishly to complete the dossier for our adoption of a baby girl from China. She had been working on it for most of the summer, and had been pushing hard to get it completed. We had been waiting on one last piece of paperwork in order to submit it, and she was finally able to get it sent off. The next day, she wondered about her fatigue. Thinking back, she thought of how tired she’d been over the past few weeks and decided to get a pregnancy test just to rule it out.

When she called me at work my initial reaction was shock, revealed by silence. It was the fourth time I had received a call at work announcing the exciting news of conception, but this time wasn’t the same. Having just sent off the dossier to start the clock in the process of our adoption, we were initially frustrated and discouraged. Neither of us felt ready for a brand new baby – we were still recovering from Madeline’s first 12 months. Our first thought was actually “how could we have let this happen???”

However, for a few months prior to learning of our pregnancy, I had started to think about having another baby and, specifically, another son. I think there were just a lot of fun times with Micah over the previous year, and since we were working on adopting a girl, it seemed perfect to hope for a boy. The timing also seemed perfect for twins, but without the exponentially hard first year that comes with genetic twins. In my plan, our little boy would be about one when we finalized the adoption for his one year old sister. I even started thinking about what we would do for sleeping arrangements. So, it didn’t take very long for our worries to turn to excitement. Of course, I felt foolish when we learned of the diagnosis – I had gotten ahead of myself, and God, and taken for granted so many things. On February 6^th, Erin sent the following message to our friends and family:

We had our 20 week ultrasound on Monday with our regular OB doctor and wanted to update you on the details.

Very clearly, this precious little baby is a boy! It was absolutely an answer to prayer that he cooperated so that we could begin seeking out a name and begin bonding in a deeper way with the short time that we have left. Other than the obvious malformation of the head, all other aspects checked out healthy. This fact proves to be difficult for our hearts to handle. The grief has become more intense, but proportionately so has God's peace. It's the kind of peace that we can't understand or explain, and yet it is real and of great comfort during this time.

You may be wondering if there is any indication of what will happen next regarding labor and delivery. My due date is June 21st (4 1/2 months to go). The doctor's know very little, as these pregnancies are generally terminated in our
culture, therefore they have little to no experience and are unable to answer most of my detailed questions.

What I do know:

• pre-term labor is common
• still birth rate is about 70%
• polyhydramnios (extra amniotic fluid) is common
• labor is generally difficult and long

Thank you so much for your prayers and support thus far! It has been a great help to us to be loved and encouraged in a very discouraging time. If you have been drawn to pray for us, please pray specifically that in God's perfect timing we would be able to meet our little boy face to face before he passes on to heaven. Pray also for our marriage to remain strong and protection against spiritual attack. And of coarse, if you are led to pray for a miracle, thank you! We will hope up to the very last second that God heals our baby!!

Much love,
Erin and Derek